STUCK IN LOVE

I have been stuck in silence for a long time afraid I might say something wrong but I know I have a heart as loud as a lion and I will not let the thorns of life tame it. If there is light to fight the darkness why should it be hidden away? You cannot live enough to experience everything in life so I suggest you learn from this experience, I am not afraid anymore so I am putting it all on papers so others can read about it.

I now understand why my heart is caged -to prevent me from loving too much- my heart is a monster when it comes to love. It is a pity that love sounds better in books, fairies and movies than it does in our real life experiences. Nothing was better than you and me together, but now I ask, was it only a fantasy or were you only imaginary? Was your love to be enjoyed or endured? Was it meant to heal or to wound? Your love has raised soo many questions than answers.

To skip the good part where it was so nice and sweet,  where every other person wished their relationship was just like ours is the main reason this piece is written, to make the weak strong and make others know they are not alone.  Although my jealousy was too much, I was soo jealous of everything even jealous of your thoughts, and that never meant I doubted or never trusted you, but I was only scared of losing you. Now you are gone! My greatest fear is now my only courage. I admit I was over-protective and that is just another part of my errors but it never meant you should leave.

Right in front of me you chose another person without a second thought. I saw my heart being crushed like an ice before my own eyes and I watched helplessly. "Bae is this what you want?" With Judas' smile, you nodded like an "Agama" affirming my greatest fear. "Is this a dream?" I soliloquized. But here I stood with you and yet you were slipping away. Your response pierced my heart. I could not believe my eyes. I wish it were only a dream. I felt like I was in the middle of a slumber but my eyes were wide open and everything happening was real. I could feel every vein and fibre in me was at a standstill, my world had come to an end and the ticking sound of my wrist watch was as loud as the Catholic Church bell in my ears. It surely was not time for Mass, but I was already in a mess. I was left dumb and in shock, I could say nothing but take deep breaths to keep my heart beating.

Heart break is an understatement, it is hypothetical, but this was emotional amputation. I do not usually cry but that night I wept, the only thing left in my company was depression and thoughts of suicide. I had blindfolded my heart and I was pushed into a pit in the name of love.

I see you walk with him with smiles all over your face, you guys keep making mockery of me and that melts my heart like butter exposed to fire. That was us, the " us" people tried to separate and finally they have succeeded. The bright future we had is now out of sight, everything is so blurry that I can barely see anything right. I sit with friends, smiling and laughing but deep inside there is no space for denying that I miss you and I cannot stand the sight of you being with someone else.

Was I too late to say sorry? You endured for long a time to keep this thing working, why should you give up now? You said it gets to a point where love is not enough to keep you going, could you not have found some other reasons to stay?
On my knees and kissing your feet was not enough to have you stay? So all that we endured together meant nothing to you? The 'endless' love we shared was not good enough a reason for you to have considered certain words you said to me because you had found another arms to be in? But do I blame you? Not at all, I was overdosed with your love.

Days without food or sleep were just introductions of what I went through.  That which others will call pain, I call it preface of pain, into the content were suicidal thoughts, hatred for mankind, a great sense of betrayal and whole lot just to mention a few. My emotions were ignored, they say emotional pain is like a weather, I guess mine is a climate,  after all I am stuck with it. I am convinced you find pleasure in my pain and joy in my sorrow.

Negligence of emotions, disrespect of feelings and ignorance of my existence were what kept butchering me. I felt scared in your silence and safer in your violence. My eyes that had resemblance to the starry skies were now a nightmare you didn't want to look through no more. My feelings were smitten and my body chastised as though it were a ransom yet it was only for your material gains. Such an irony! Your 'I love you' keeps echoing in my ears and I wonder why I believed it that much. It is pathetic, a good guy with a kind heart, went from falling in love to falling apart. I am smashed - a precious clay pot that has hit the ground. My pieces are scattered but all is not lost yet.

For once I felt love was a lie, I thought it was only said for men to believe it exists, only for us to think life was worth living.
But I was wrong, love is real and it exists, I probably only have not found someone who is ready to accept the differences we both share. I have only missed the one person who can understand my jealousy and yet give me something to hold onto. That person does not have to be perfect - for I do not search for an Angel - but whose imperfections perfectly fits my quest.

I do not write to people but to that one person who has been able to fight his or her way out of the pain, to that one person who is going through a tough time to make things work, and to that person who has found a reason to hold on. To that person I say you are not alone, keep hoping and keep fighting. It is not all 'sugar' through it all, sometimes it tastes like quinine. To know what love is, do not ask someone who just found one, ask someone who just lost someone special.

The cloudy eyes that kept raining tears, the blistered heart, and all the emotional traumas are good enough a reason for me to say goodbye to the cruel love I shook hands with. It was time to kiss dating goodbye. Nonetheless, optimism and the unconditional love I had for her triggers me not to exit but rather keep fighting. Yes she is gone! It does not mean all others will leave too. Not all girls are after material things and not all guys are after your body. There are some bad nuts, yeah, but that should not make you a Monster. I do not know what is going through your mind now as you read this. For me, I am stuck in love regardless...

Credit: Clifford Oduro Prempeh _(Mr. Yaayi 😇)_

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Oheneba Kwadwo Aduse Poku Nimako Jnr
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